What nourishes me destroys me
That is my decree
Every time I see a knife
It unleashes a monster inside of me
Salty cheeks from flowing tears
Long sleeves to hide from prying stares
Illusions paint a picture inside my head
The sour thought that it’s better to be dead
This razor saved me and ruined me at the same time
Each scarlet line feels like a crime
If it makes me so happy and helps me cope
Then why am I sad given up all hope?
A stinging sensation and a ruby pearl
Is all that I feel in this sick sad world
Demons inside me battle as I hide this reality
Cover it with a smile no one will know the real me
The bathwater turns orange
And I wash away regret and blood stains
I have everything to lose and nothing left to gain
Only scars on my arms scars on my legs and scars on my soul
I am missing out on something
My body doesn’t feel whole
I’m lying to myself arguing at my choices
Trying not to listen to these angered voices
I just want to feel alive and happy
But that’s impossible because
What nourishes me destroys me..
Friday, 28 November 2008
Monday, 24 November 2008
Lewis ? ?
I am not sure what it is about him, Lewis.
When i am with him i feel like no one or nothing can hurt me and he looks at me like i am the only girl in the room..
However i sense he is not giving me his all and i think he may have been hurt somewhere along the line. I sometimes think i am not supposed to be his girl? Because otherwise whatever pain he is in i could stop him from hurting?
Mind you that is easier said than done, i should know that-however when i was not 100% Eden last week, he got me though, he was there and he made me smile again..so:
Can you ever know someone completely??
Do you constantly go through life half guessing and wondering?
Maybe though that is the mystery of it all, life i mean-and Lewis for that matter.
Either way i hope that i stop wondering soon coz i know that when i imagine my future, he is in it :)
When i am with him i feel like no one or nothing can hurt me and he looks at me like i am the only girl in the room..
However i sense he is not giving me his all and i think he may have been hurt somewhere along the line. I sometimes think i am not supposed to be his girl? Because otherwise whatever pain he is in i could stop him from hurting?
Mind you that is easier said than done, i should know that-however when i was not 100% Eden last week, he got me though, he was there and he made me smile again..so:
Can you ever know someone completely??
Do you constantly go through life half guessing and wondering?
Maybe though that is the mystery of it all, life i mean-and Lewis for that matter.
Either way i hope that i stop wondering soon coz i know that when i imagine my future, he is in it :)
Remember him?
I cant think straight.
I am trying to remember.
Remember him.
But i fear,
As i get older his face,
And my memories are fading away...
It is his birthday soon, he has missed 11 of mine now.
I am sorry i am forgetting.
I feel a deep, deep ache which i fear will never go away.
I am trying to remember.
Remember him.
But i fear,
As i get older his face,
And my memories are fading away...
It is his birthday soon, he has missed 11 of mine now.
I am sorry i am forgetting.
I feel a deep, deep ache which i fear will never go away.
Sunday, 23 November 2008
Eden's thoughts..
"The true value of a human being is determined primarily by the measure and the sense in which he has attained liberation from the self"
Not that i am one to judge Einstein, but to attain liberation within the self is not as simple as first presumed..Liberation and value may not come (if at all) until you are "older and wiser" (to put it nicely) and you have surely experienced life in a its earnest and tribulations?
So then to say you can gain a clear perspective of the value of life, or oneself, doesn't that mean you have to have lived (a full life) first?
To attain liberation and value of self, do you not need to live first??
For example i am 22 years of age, and at this point of my life i have learnt to differentiate between good and bad, how to love, the value of money, the importance of friends, colleagues, teachers and family and so on etc etc.
Doesn't this define the value of life?
I think it does, however that does not mean that i (or whomever) will ever appreciate or understand it.
Not that i am one to judge Einstein, but to attain liberation within the self is not as simple as first presumed..Liberation and value may not come (if at all) until you are "older and wiser" (to put it nicely) and you have surely experienced life in a its earnest and tribulations?
So then to say you can gain a clear perspective of the value of life, or oneself, doesn't that mean you have to have lived (a full life) first?
To attain liberation and value of self, do you not need to live first??
For example i am 22 years of age, and at this point of my life i have learnt to differentiate between good and bad, how to love, the value of money, the importance of friends, colleagues, teachers and family and so on etc etc.
Doesn't this define the value of life?
I think it does, however that does not mean that i (or whomever) will ever appreciate or understand it.
Saturday, 22 November 2008
Fuzzy Feelings
How is creativity defined?
Is it by the way you write, or draw, or dress or speak?
How do you know the difference between being creative or simply making a difference?
Funny, isn't it how one word can change your mood? Change how you somehow just are..
The one word (well three actually) that is making my sparkle return a little is simply..
I love you
Is love the most powerful emotion that a person can 'feel' ?
Though sometimes i think it can often be mistaken for insanity ;)
You decide Taylor-creative or different?
Is it by the way you write, or draw, or dress or speak?
How do you know the difference between being creative or simply making a difference?
Funny, isn't it how one word can change your mood? Change how you somehow just are..
The one word (well three actually) that is making my sparkle return a little is simply..
I love you
Is love the most powerful emotion that a person can 'feel' ?
Though sometimes i think it can often be mistaken for insanity ;)
You decide Taylor-creative or different?
Friday, 21 November 2008
Sparkles and Stars
As i stare into the night sky through the gap of my peach curtains (i say peach as i can only imagine that was the colour of them once), i remember my life a long long time ago, when is some how seemed simple, when i was able to make decisions and stick to them, when i knew how to arrange thoughts in my head, when it was fun and creative and original.
For now, its seems decisions are erratic and unstable, my thoughts a jumbled blur somewhere in the distance; to which i have no control over. My life is no longer fun and it couldn't be further from original even if i tried.
How do i get back to the life that once was? Shall i ever get it back?
Do i need to come to an all important decision that will change the course of my life forever, for better or worse?
The stars don't seem to sparkle tonight, they are dull and lifeless in the black and miserable sky that surrounds them.
People(though who these people are i do not know) say that once you meet your 'One' you know in an instant and therefore (the basic principle) your life is restored, your troubles halved and your soul rested. What though; if you never find that one?
Is your soul going to be constantly searching and tired?
Or maybe, just maybe you have already found your one and it is simply not as dramatic as the 'people' (damn people) have made it out to be.
When are you the most happiest? Does the word happiness define your job? Or your home, your family and friends, the person you decide to call your one?
What if you have all of these things and you are still not happy? What do the 'People' say about that??
Perhaps i sense that this is a romance of a different kind-romance so fine it was as fragile as crystal, romance unfurling delicately, like a silken bud or a cygnet hatching. Maybe it has to be watched through binoculars with the steadiest hands?
"Listen hard enough and you might hear me snoring" he says. I think about this in a careful manner. Oh how wonderful it would be if you were so in touch with somebody that you could sense what they were doing, hear their snores, hear their heartbeat like a drum in your ear-which in my opinion is often mistaken for an earache.
Twins they say have a connection, almost physic. How can this be based on anything other than coincidence? Or a possible fact that two people spend so much time that they practically become one, more or less.
Anyway back to the night sky and the peach (or whatever) curtains. The stars still are not sparkling. So i come to the conclusion, thus being, it is not the stars that have lost their sparkle, it is; in fact me!
So then Eden, how do you go about getting your sparkle back? Why are you now talking about yourself in the third person? weird.
I am slightly irritated by the lack of concentration i have these days, by how i think about things way to much, things that will probably never be answered.
The fringe of my bedspread seems good enough distraction for me to divert my eyes, to what i am sure of, my room is just as dull as the sky.
I suppose i should finish this (whatever 'this' is) with a concluding paragraph or summary, but how can you conclude or summarize your life when it hasn't even begun?
So i will just sit here, staring, listening and thinking.
I will just sit here and wait for my sparkle to come back...
For now, its seems decisions are erratic and unstable, my thoughts a jumbled blur somewhere in the distance; to which i have no control over. My life is no longer fun and it couldn't be further from original even if i tried.
How do i get back to the life that once was? Shall i ever get it back?
Do i need to come to an all important decision that will change the course of my life forever, for better or worse?
The stars don't seem to sparkle tonight, they are dull and lifeless in the black and miserable sky that surrounds them.
People(though who these people are i do not know) say that once you meet your 'One' you know in an instant and therefore (the basic principle) your life is restored, your troubles halved and your soul rested. What though; if you never find that one?
Is your soul going to be constantly searching and tired?
Or maybe, just maybe you have already found your one and it is simply not as dramatic as the 'people' (damn people) have made it out to be.
When are you the most happiest? Does the word happiness define your job? Or your home, your family and friends, the person you decide to call your one?
What if you have all of these things and you are still not happy? What do the 'People' say about that??
Perhaps i sense that this is a romance of a different kind-romance so fine it was as fragile as crystal, romance unfurling delicately, like a silken bud or a cygnet hatching. Maybe it has to be watched through binoculars with the steadiest hands?
"Listen hard enough and you might hear me snoring" he says. I think about this in a careful manner. Oh how wonderful it would be if you were so in touch with somebody that you could sense what they were doing, hear their snores, hear their heartbeat like a drum in your ear-which in my opinion is often mistaken for an earache.
Twins they say have a connection, almost physic. How can this be based on anything other than coincidence? Or a possible fact that two people spend so much time that they practically become one, more or less.
Anyway back to the night sky and the peach (or whatever) curtains. The stars still are not sparkling. So i come to the conclusion, thus being, it is not the stars that have lost their sparkle, it is; in fact me!
So then Eden, how do you go about getting your sparkle back? Why are you now talking about yourself in the third person? weird.
I am slightly irritated by the lack of concentration i have these days, by how i think about things way to much, things that will probably never be answered.
The fringe of my bedspread seems good enough distraction for me to divert my eyes, to what i am sure of, my room is just as dull as the sky.
I suppose i should finish this (whatever 'this' is) with a concluding paragraph or summary, but how can you conclude or summarize your life when it hasn't even begun?
So i will just sit here, staring, listening and thinking.
I will just sit here and wait for my sparkle to come back...
Monday, 10 November 2008
Probably, If not definitely; one of the greatest songs of all time..
I'm the son of rage and love
The Jesus of suburbia
From the bible of none of the above
On a steady diet of soda pop and Ritalin
No one ever died for my sins in hell
As far as I can tell
At least the ones I got away with
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me
Get my television fix sitting on my crucifix
The living room or my private womb
While the moms and brads are away
To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes
and Mary Jane
To keep me insane and doing someone else's cocaine
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me
[Part 2: City Of The Damned]
At the center of the Earth
In the parking lot Of the 7-11 were I was taught
The motto was just a lie
It says home is where your heart is
But what a shame
Cause everyone's heart Doesn't beat the same
It's beating out of time City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care
I read the graffiti In the bathroom stall
Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess
It didn't say much
But it only confirmed that
The center of the earth Is the end of the world
And I could really care less
City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care
[Part 3: I don't care]
I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't care[x4]
I don't care
Everyone is so full of shit
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled but never saved
From the cradle to the grave
We are the kids of war and peace
From Anaheim to the middle east
We are the stories and disciples
Of the Jesus of suburbia
Land of make believe
And it don't believe in me
Land of make believe
And I don't believe
And I don't care!
I don't care! [x4]
[Part 4: Dearly beloved]
Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse
[Part 5: Tales of another broken home]
To live and not to breathe
Is to die In tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist
So I run I run away
To the light of masochist
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
And I walked this line
A million and one fucking times
But not this time
I don't feel any shame
I won't apologize
When there ain't nowhere you can go
Running away from pain
When you've been victimized
Tales from another broken home
You're leaving...You're leaving...You're leaving...Ah you're leaving home...
Greenday
The Jesus of suburbia
From the bible of none of the above
On a steady diet of soda pop and Ritalin
No one ever died for my sins in hell
As far as I can tell
At least the ones I got away with
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me
Get my television fix sitting on my crucifix
The living room or my private womb
While the moms and brads are away
To fall in love and fall in debt
To alcohol and cigarettes
and Mary Jane
To keep me insane and doing someone else's cocaine
And there's nothing wrong with me
This is how I'm supposed to be
In a land of make believe
That don't believe in me
[Part 2: City Of The Damned]
At the center of the Earth
In the parking lot Of the 7-11 were I was taught
The motto was just a lie
It says home is where your heart is
But what a shame
Cause everyone's heart Doesn't beat the same
It's beating out of time City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care
I read the graffiti In the bathroom stall
Like the holy scriptures of a shopping mall
And so it seemed to confess
It didn't say much
But it only confirmed that
The center of the earth Is the end of the world
And I could really care less
City of the dead
At the end of another lost highway
Signs misleading to nowhere
City of the damned
Lost children with dirty faces today
No one really seems to care
[Part 3: I don't care]
I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't
I don't care if you don't care[x4]
I don't care
Everyone is so full of shit
Born and raised by hypocrites
Hearts recycled but never saved
From the cradle to the grave
We are the kids of war and peace
From Anaheim to the middle east
We are the stories and disciples
Of the Jesus of suburbia
Land of make believe
And it don't believe in me
Land of make believe
And I don't believe
And I don't care!
I don't care! [x4]
[Part 4: Dearly beloved]
Dearly beloved are you listening?
I can't remember a word that you were saying
Are we demented or am I disturbed?
The space that's in between insane and insecure
Oh therapy, can you please fill the void?
Am I retarded or am I just overjoyed
Nobody's perfect and I stand accused
For lack of a better word, and that's my best excuse
[Part 5: Tales of another broken home]
To live and not to breathe
Is to die In tragedy
To run, to run away
To find what you believe
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
I lost my faith to this
This town that don't exist
So I run I run away
To the light of masochist
And I leave behind
This hurricane of fucking lies
And I walked this line
A million and one fucking times
But not this time
I don't feel any shame
I won't apologize
When there ain't nowhere you can go
Running away from pain
When you've been victimized
Tales from another broken home
You're leaving...You're leaving...You're leaving...Ah you're leaving home...
Greenday
Thursday, 6 November 2008
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